I'm not a writer

I woke up this morning with just one thought. I want to keep writing. I don't know why. I'm not a writer. By every possible standard, there are many others who can be considered writers, but not me. I could say that I'm a storyteller. Writing has never been one of my strengths, but telling stories has.

When I write to you, my readers, about my experiences, it somehow fills me with happiness. In order to describe and recreate in detail the feelings and emotions I experienced at that particular moment, I have to dig deep. I have to remember an event in detail and relive it again and again. Writing without being able to convey feelings is a pointless exercise, just a waste of time.

I'm not a writer. I keep repeating this sentence to myself, and yet I've written so many pages over the past few months. I don't know how I found writing, or better said, how writing found me. Maybe we're both going through a middle-age crisis, both me and writing.

I could say that I want to write simply to capture a period in time, to make sure my experiences won't be lost. In a world where privacy no longer exists, it's surprisingly difficult to find people who actually want a real connection. Everyone just wants to post something online, as if for cattle. They want subscribers with whom they have no contact whatsoever. Subscribers or followers are only good for generating income. How many of these social media gurus actually want genuine contact with the people around them?

When I write, it feels like exactly the opposite is happening. My stories tend to be chaotic in the way they're written. They begin today and then teleport into the past or into an imaginary world that doesn't exist. My brain needs this parallel, it needs to escape the present in its quest for personal development. What is clear from my latest articles is that I like to focus on a single moment in time, often no more than a few seconds or minutes. If I were to tell an entire, extensive story, my energy would get lost in the actions being described. For this reason, I prefer to describe fewer actions and more feelings and inner struggles that I experienced at that particular moment.

My posts seem to me, at least, to be moving in the opposite direction of today's social media. I don't write for many, but only for a few. I don't describe new and exciting activities in every post, such as traveling, driving expensive cars, or trying luxury restaurants. Instead, I talk about jumping into puddles and the sweat running down my body during my hospital shifts. My stories don't portray me as an evergreen hero who is perfect, but rather as an ordinary human being, flawed, someone who makes mistakes or struggles to overcome certain situations. I've never understood this bravado of projecting a shield of perfection to the outside world. One of my strengths when I worked as an intensive care physician was that I could admit when I didn't know something. In the ICU, what each individual knows doesn't matter. What matters is what we can accomplish together as a team. Humility is the strongest proof of accomplishment. Those who are truly great don't need to constantly show it, only those who are weak and insecure do.

At the same time, my posts aren't meant to talk about actions, but rather about feelings, emotions, and how I interpreted certain moments in my life. Capturing these moments as capsules in time is critical because we all change and evolve, and I'm no different. What I believe and think today, I may no longer believe or think tomorrow. And that's when it becomes difficult to analyze an experience, a memory, or an emotion based only on memories, without an exact account of the present, because in the future you'll analyze it through the eyes of your future self.

If this entire blog makes no sense to you, I apologize for wasting your time unnecessarily. And if somehow my words speak to you, write to me. I would love for each of you to tell me your own story. People exist to interact, to share their experiences, not to give likes on different social media platforms. I would love for what I write to help the new generations see the falseness of the life we live today.